Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
