Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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