Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The convent might be a nice break from real life
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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