I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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