I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
