I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
