I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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