dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
