His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
