I heard we made out
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
