so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
