sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
