Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
