I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
