Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
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