woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
