uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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