where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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