I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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