So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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