I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
