I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You're a waste of cheezeits
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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