I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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