i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
