The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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