so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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