as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
