I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
