Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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