I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
