upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
