last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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