The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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