Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
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Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
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But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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