You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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