Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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