I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
