If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
