You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
