I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
