You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
