How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
