Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
