Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
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He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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