I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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