just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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