Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
