I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
