I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
