Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
