I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
