All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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