Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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