I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who died my cat blue again?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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